Securely, insecure

I am pretty sure I’m not alone in this but I have a love/hate relationship with my self-esteem. For the most half I don’t have a hard time ending relationships with people who seek to destroy my self-esteem, although the most important relationship of my life has taken the biggest toll on my self-esteem Although I wish I wasn’t, I am extremely uncomfortable with the way I look these days.

I’m a very firm believer that we all need to accept our flaws before we start changing things about ourselves. We have to learn to love ourselves more and depend less on other’s ideas of beauty, brains, and success.

Prior to the birth of my second son I was in the best shape of my life. I worked out regularly, ate healthy, and felt really good all the time. After my son was born, my activity level tapered off to match that of my partner, which is not much activity outside of working, drinking, and watching tv. I struggled to lose the baby weight but didn’t worry too much about it, but soon the extra 30lbs became an extra 60lbs, and then more weight, until I was 100lbs overweight after my third son.

Besides being in a toxic relationship with a partner who rather me be heavy, I struggled with losing weight because I felt I needed to learn to accept the changes my body had gone through. I was now a suburban mom with multiple children, what did it matter?

Turns out it does matter to me. It matters because even though I’ve been heavier for about 17 years now I still don’t recognize the person in the mirror. It also doesn’t help I’ve struggled with my health in the last few years. I can handle the wrinkles, the fact that my hair has all gone grey, and I have become the suburban sports mom.

All I want is to feel like myself. I don’t need to look like I did in my 20’s. But I’d like to be fit, healthy, and have more energy. I’m tired of not being able to keep up with my kids, and I worry about how I’ll feel when my kids start having kids.

For the last year I have been working to lose the extra weight.  I exercise regularly, try to watch what I eat, and just up my activity level in general.  My biggest issue is I constantly feel like I am getting nowhere. My internal dialog is constantly a battle between telling myself to accept myself the way that I am and telling myself to suck it up, stop eating any junk at all, and to push myself more.  I am not looking for an easy out but even working out 5-7 days a week has provided me with very little progress.  While I could stand to eat a little better I also don’t eat a ton of junk.  I have kept a food journal and I find I eat less calories than I am “allotted” but still no major weight loss.

But again, my internal voice says, to just accept my rolls the way they are. Maybe one day I will figure it all out.